i miss tim and liz.
i hate being alone. :(

oh well, at least i have the fish.
and this fish is SO COOL. :)

i am fixating on my myspace profile and it's really obnoxious.
damn, my fish was hungry. what a little beastie.
"i could leave but i'll just stay, all my stuff's here anyway."

i can't seem to understand my friends. they settle for so much less than they really deserve when it comes to relationships. they think that just because there's some good in it means it's worth putting up with a whole lot of bad, and it's not worth it. it's never worth it to have someone take you for granted or make you feel bad. it's never worth it to be heartbroken on a regular basis. it's never worth it to have someone make you cry.

i don't see how they can't understand that. maybe i just feel enlightened because i've found someone who respects me and treats me well, but if anything that should be an example to them that you CAN be happy after that first love fades. i don't have much patience for it because i know that even if i give them advice, they won't take it. it's a lesson everyone has to learn on their own, only my friends seem to be refusing to learn it. i don't know how many times fate has to tell them that it's not meant to be before they'll understand.

the universe has its ways of telling you things, and i've seen it in action with a few people for quite some time, only they won't see it too. they just keep dragging these situations on, causing themselves so much unnecessary pain for a little attention or a nod of approval. i don't see how it's worth it after so much hurt. there has to be a breaking point. there has to be a point when they realize that enough is enough.

your first love isn't meant to last.
anyone who wastes their time with anyone but you isn't meant to be with you.
you should never feel more hurt than happiness.
in fact, you shouldn't hurt at all.
you should find someone who makes you feel GREAT about yourself all of the time.
relationships can't be one-sided; they are reciprocal.
find a lover who respects you completely.

"we accept the love we think we deserve."
love yourself and soon you'll find the one who will love you just as much.

i have such a great boyfriend. tim is actually a good guy. my family likes him, we never fight about anything, he respects me, and i feel like i can respect him. i never feel judged by him, no matter how much of a fool i'm making of myself. he is kind and genuine to everyone until he reaches a breaking point (which takes a lot) and even then he is never cruel. he sincerely loves his job because he gets to help people every day. he makes me insanely happy. he makes me want to do my best in life without ever expecting it, he just inspires me to make the most of life.

the best part about it is that we are two separately whole people who just fit well together. there isn't that whole necessity for each other because we "complete" each other. we complement each other which is infinitely better.

i am mega happy. :)

i'm pretty sure i have abandonment issues.
fuuuuck that.

tonight tim basically called himself my boyfriend, then to be sure i called him my boyfriend and he responded positively.

tim is definitely my boyfriend.
that's so cool. :)





on a completely unrelated note, r. kelly's "trapped in a closet" is fucking nuts. seriously the weirdest thing i've ever seen. i should probably never watch it again. except for maybe #12 (i think) where bridget gets pregnant by the fainting midget. also the one where r. kelly says twan is a crazy as a fish with titties.

ughhh. now that i have two jobs i'm going to be working like ALL THE TIME. tim wants me to go up to graham to visit him and his family, only i'm pretty sure i'll never find two or three days off to go visit him. i miss him and just want to move back to cheney.

also, i have spent much more money than i really have. i'm in some serious debt and i just keep spending. i'm so stressed out right now it's insane. on friday i'm scheduled to work 8-4 at both starbucks and chuck e. cheese, and last i checked i'm not magician so i don't know how that's going to happen.

i am so bad at being responsible. when will i take a hint? i can't keep overdrafting my bank account forever. i'm just screwing myself over in the long run.

bleh. fuck me, right?

my boobs are getting saggy. this needs to end.
only GRAVITY still exists so it won't end. my tits will be down to my knees by the time i'm thirty.
shoot me now.

tim is coming to visit me. :) i can't wait to see him. i think he's so damn cool.
gahhhh! i'm so excited. hopefully he'll be coming in ten days, while my parents are camping. then we can have the house to ourselves. sooo cool.

mmm. i'm really glad i'm moving back to cheney. that's where the real people are. i love my friends here so much, but i feel like vancouver hinders my growth as a person. i learned so much and changed incredibly in the 9 months i was there. i need to be around amanda and my sisters and tim, and even the pi lams. haha. those people have been there through the hardest part of my life so far, and have done nothing but push me in the right direction. my friends here love me no matter what i do, but the people in cheney make me strive to be better than i am now; to constantly improve myself. i need that in my life as opposed to the blind acceptance of my friends here, which is very comforting and appreciated, but not the kind of nurturing i need right now.

so, in conclusion, i miss tim and i miss cheney. i can't wait to be back.






my only love, amanda.


tim and i the first night we met. haha. how prophetic. :)

so i'm moving back to cheney, hopefully before the end of july.
i'm staying with sarah until i find a job and place to live.
i'm going to be living with matt and maybe shane.

this is a big deal.
i just need a job in a spokane.

i don't know what to think about this situation between tim and i. i call him my boyfriend, because i care about him and i respect him enough to be monogamous, but he's not my boyfriend. he has never taken the effort to make a commitment. granted, i know he cares about me. he's come down to meet my family and shown affection. all his friends call me his girlfriend. but i feel like he doesn't make much of an effort.

i feel like i deserve a little effort. i want to be with someone who's excited to be with me. he doesn't really ever call me anymore or sound excited to hear from me. i love hearing from him. i care about him a lot. he is a wonderful person who i admire, respect, and trust. he is genuine and honest and kind. it's just that sometimes i wonder if this is ever going to grow into something more than what it is. last night jake told me that if you put effort into someone and they don't put any effort into you, then you're wasting your time. the only thing is, i can't tell if i'm putting effort into this or not. so far i have been following tim's lead and mimicking his behavior. i don't call often because he doesn't call often. i don't show much affection because he doesn't show much affection. i feel like a chameleon, blending into my surroundings for safety and protection. i've been using this technique to avoid getting too attached and getting hurt. unfortunately for me, i'm attached. i'm in it, completely.

my nose is being horrible right now.
i'm breathing like a god damn bulldog.

things are looking up!

i got accepted to both SCC and SFCC, and i found myself a roommate!
now all i need a job to pay for school and rent, and to find a place to live.
GOSH i'm excited.

i really hope i can change my habits around and show everyone that i can do it. i really want to prove that i can live up to my potential. last night while talking to geanna about my grades and how poorly i did she started crying. not just a tear or two, she actually had to compose herself to continue the conversation. that was such an eye-opener to me; that my actions which should only affect me have affected the people around me so greatly.

geanna told me that college is a time to be completely self-centered; that everything has to be about me. my space, my room, my classes, my schedule, my books, my desk, my life. this is a time to develop ME. i shouldn't concern myself with others as much as i do, and i need to set my priorities straight. she also said to pretend to be what i need to be. in every situation i should think, "what would a studious person do?" and then do that. by acting studious i am being studious. it seems simple enough but it never occurred to me before.

anyways, i hope i keep these lessons near to me at all times, because i have a tendency to forget.

secondly, i am glad eyeballs are squishy.

tonight was excellent and thrilling, as per usual.
listening to music is the greatest thing to do.
i have a lot to think/write about tomorrow.